Is there a place of compromise?

Your child has just told you they will no longer respond to the name you gave them at birth; they have a new name and are demanding that you must use it. Or conversely you may be the child, you now go by a new name, but your parents refuse to use it or even engage in conversation over it.

This is a familiar story to many of the individuals we work with, one that’s not easy to navigate. But there has to be a middle ground, one that enables both parent and child to maintain their relationship, without either feeling that they have been forced into a situation with which they are unhappy. The key thing is, for there to be continuing relationship, there has to be compromise.

My hope, in writing this, is that you will find some middle ground. For a child, the parents refusal to use their name or pronouns may feel like outright rejection. But as a parent who planned for their child from conception, and thoughtfully (and prayerfully) chose their name, their child’s decision to change name and pronouns also feels like rejection.

I would suggest that it is incredibly difficult for both parent and child to fully comprehend the emotions of the other, and the full impact this change of gender identity has on each other’s emotions.

If a parent refuses to adjust their language, they fear finding themselves in a pivotal moment where their child decides they no longer want relationship with them. If a child insists that the parent adjusts their language and the parent refuses, they fear that their parent has totally rejected them, which is not what anyone wants to experience.

I urge you both to recognise that wanting to use a new name or pronouns demands that you make space to have a conversation. This gives both parent and child an opportunity to demonstrate that you listen and seek to understand the other’s perspective, whilst also asking them to listen to, and understand your perspective. This is a time for parents to let go of the parental control you’ve had for so many years and be prepared to hold back on unsolicited advice and outraged opinions; and for the child to let go of childish attitudes and demands, being prepared to work on mutually agreeable solutions.

Parents, this is not the time to give your child a lecture or to underscore your disapproval. Children this is not a time to vent your anger about your parents faith. For both of you it should be a time where you can calmly explain your thoughts and feelings whilst listening respectfully to theirs.

For both of you, inviting them to talk as equals and asking them to collaborate with you to find a mutually acceptable way forward is important. Listen to their preferences and consider what they are saying. Once they have finished talking (and you have listened attentively) then ask them if you can tell them what you would prefer and why. I encourage you to think about compromise, is there a nickname that you have used over the years that would be acceptable to both of you, or can you jointly think of a name that would be acceptable to all of you?
 
Can you give them grace to follow their feelings, whilst also not capitulating to a request that doesn’t sit well with your beliefs?

Ultimately you need to feel comfortable, and you want them to feel comfortable. Inevitably the solution you agree on has to work for both of you. Their response to you is out of your control, but your willingness to listen, converse and proffer solutions will not go unnoticed, even if ultimately your ideas are rejected.

Romans 12:18: if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.