A wrestle with God

The account of Jacob wrestling with God (Genesis 32) is pivotal to Jacob’s future; it’s symbolic of the lifelong struggle he has had with God and with his own family.  This physical struggle depicts the scene of someone striving in his own strength to succeed, whilst seeking the blessing of God.  He recognises within this struggle his own limitations and dependence upon God, hence the desire for a blessing.

This story resounds with me as I have faced a similar wrestle and awakening to my absolute need of God. Ten years ago, as a 48 year old who had been a lesbian since my teenage years, a spiritual awakening stirred within me.  As I explored these feelings, my greatest desire was to have a relationship with God and a relationship with my partner of 16 years, and I did not want to surrender either of those desires.

The wrestle that ensued was tense, difficult and messy.  I asked God the type of question I’m sure many of you have expressed and I battled with the nature / nurture debate.  Had God created me this way, or had circumstances dictated my destiny?
 
A huge hurdle for me loomed as the fear of loneliness reared its head.  Was I destined to a life of singleness; no love, intimacy or hope for the future?  We are wired for intimacy, we are made to be relational, and I was not comfortable that I could do life alone.  Why should I not have the same opportunities for happiness and fulfilment as everyone else?

These questions remained unanswered for some time, although I did make the choice to leave my partner and live a celibate life.  I chose to focus on relationship with Jesus, to make him a priority.  I let the old labels drop from me outwardly, whilst still unsure of where the future would lead.  I certainly had no intention or desire to meet or become romantically involved with a man, that was the last thing on my mind.

Celibacy is a hard choice, and I was impacted by conversations with those who thought that they could never experience intimacy again.  I was drawn to Romans 12:1-2, and the passage that encourages us not to conform to worldly patterns and thoughts, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.  What did that renewing look like? How on earth could I change my patterns of thinking, how could I change involuntary attractions which jumped out at me unexpectedly from time to time?  Was it even possible to be attracted to a guy after 30+ years of only dating women?

In Luke 11 we read the story of Lazarus.  Lazarus had been in the tomb a few days (whilst I had been in mine for over 30 years.)  Jesus, speaking to Martha who was sceptical about the stone being removed reassured her, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

After the stone was removed, and I believe this is symbolic of us coming to Jesus and repenting, Jesus called in a loud voice to Lazarus to come out.  Verse 44 tells us that: “the dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

This my eureka moment; what grave clothes was I still wearing?  The identity I had carried for so long was dragging me down, I was alive but still wearing the grave clothes.
As I recognised that I was not the label I had worn for so many years and met with a community of other believers who had also left LGBTQ+ relationships for Jesus, I found revelation of God’s outrageous love for us. I saw many renewed in their identity, starting to find satisfying and loving relationships with the opposite sex.

What I have come to find in this struggle is that God is able.  If we believe that he heals the sick and raises the dead, how can we not believe that he can walk with us in our pain and struggle and help us to find freedom and new relationships that are fulfilling and honouring to his Word? I myself, after a few years, started to feel attractions towards the opposite sex.  Whilst that has not yet amounted to a new relationship, it has satisfied me that it is possible and that I am walking the path God has for me.  In the meantime, he has surrounded me with two wonderful communities.  A community of others who once identified as LGBTQ+ as well as a church community who truly do life together, eating, socialising, learning and worshipping together.

2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us: “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!”
 
This is my personal experience, and I celebrate the goodness of God.