My sister just became my brother...

Having someone in your family come out as trans is not just affecting parents. We are increasingly seeing the effects of this on siblings and even occasionally on adults whose own parent has declared that they now identify as a different sex.

For parents, there is much angst and a myriad of questions. Research would indicate that it is not only Christian parents who find this difficult to navigate. Many parents of different religions, and no religion, are struggling to come to terms with their child’s new-found identity. Navigating the language, pronouns, and new names, constantly causes grief and fear; fear of losing their child if they put a foot wrong or fail to affirm them in the sex they identify with.

But what of siblings? Having grown up with an older brother and an older sister, I cannot begin to imagine how I would have responded if one of them was trans. But the truth is that both my siblings struggled with other things in their lives. Did I condemn them, or try and love them through it? In keeping the doorway open, we get to have good conversations about things that matter to us. I’m not talking about preaching about their lifestyle, but sharing what God’s doing in our lives, offering to pray for them or sending them gifts and cards with words of encouragement to remind them that they are loved.

Keeping the relationship open is powerful and may require a one off conversation. That conversation may go a bit like this:

“Hey, you know that I love you and always will. I want you to know that I will never change my love for you, and I am always here for you. But I wouldn’t be being honest with you if I didn’t tell you once that what you are doing is not what I think is God’s best for you. I’m not going to keep on and on about it but would love to have one conversation with you that allows me to share some of my concerns and grief at losing you as my sister/brother. Would you allow me to speak honestly to you?”

If they agree to a further conversation, pray about what to say and keep it loving, encouraging and scriptural. There is a helpful article by Laura Perry Smalts you may want to look at. Laura identified as transgender for 9 years before DE transitioning and she addresses how God showed her what the Bible had to say about this.

The pride of Going My Own Way: The Greatest Sin | Transgender To Transformed

Having these conversations from a place of compassion and love is essential. Keeping your side of the bargain that you will not continue to voice your upset may be hard, but it will be so much easier to influence them through your love if you still have relationship.

Siblings often have more grace to speak truth than parents do and will probably have a better understanding of the cultural pressures at play in the life of their brother or sister. We recognise that it’s not always easy for siblings to remain neutral or loving though. Sometimes there is anger and unforgiveness, and parents may need to make space for the other children to process those emotions. Losing the relationship (sister/sister or sister/brother or brother/brother) can be catastrophic for some. Witnessing the pain of the parents can be devastating for others and can lead to anger aimed at the sibling who identifies as trans. Add to this the fact that the trans sibling may be getting a lot more attention and be pushing familial boundaries to the limits, and you can see how other siblings may be negatively affected.

We also hear stories of siblings who fully affirm and support their brother/sister, despite the parents reservations. This often puts the parents in a difficult position with pressure to affirm coming from other family members as well as the outside world. Again, we suggest a one off conversation with that child, being instigated by the parent.

“I’d love to talk to you about your brother/sister. Firstly, you know that I love you all and always will. I want you to know that I will never change my love for any of you, and I am always here for you. But I wouldn’t be being honest with you if I didn’t tell you once that what your brother/sister is doing is not what I think is God’s best for them, and by you affirming them I’m feeling sad and confused. I’m not going to keep on and on about it but would love to have one conversation with you that allows me to share some of my concerns and grief at what’s happening in our family, would you allow me to speak honestly to you?”

Depending upon their faith you may find the article mentioned above helpful as a starting point. The key points here are to try and help them to understand your struggles and asking them to try and help you navigate this without additional pressure from them. Agreeing to disagree may be the best you get, but you may find more common ground and an opportunity to explore how they are being impacted by their sibling themselves.

I cannot emphasise enough the fact that once you’ve had a conversation, your child knows where you stand. They are in a process, they need to feel loved and valued as your children, and not fearful that every time you send them a text, call them or see them, that you will ram religion down their throat.  Simply love them, pray for them and allow the Holy Spirit space to work.  Once you take the foot off the accelerator and allow God to drive, you may well be surprised at the times and opportunities you have to share your faith with your children in a quiet and unassuming way.

This is not an easy journey – if you are a parent, sibling or indeed a child of a transgender family member, you are invited to join one of our Abba’s Heart support groups, where you will find community, love and encouragement from others walking the same path as you.